One-way ticket

Many years ago, so many years ago that it is impossible to imagine, I left Russia on a one-way ticket. At that time, I did not know whether I would ever be able to go back. As it turned out, I went back often, perhaps more often than I should have, but it was hard to sever ties, and with all the novelty and excitement of my new life, I did feel lonely and unhappy every now and then.

After many years in Sweden, with two shorter stays in the USA, I left on a one-way ticket to Stansted. I am re-reading my posts from eleven years ago, and while I do not recognise the feelings, I can relate to facts. We had a big farewell party. Here, I am meeting people one at a time or in small groups. I won't be able to meet everyone I'd like to meet. 

I don't have a landline phone, so there will be no dead line. I don't have to defrost the fridge. I have packed everything, leaving a few chipped cups and plates that I will throw away before I leave. Tom Waits will not cry over me.

Sometimes I do, as I did then, wish I would wake up and discover it was a bad dream. But unlike then, I do not dream of packing and finding more and more things I need to pack. On consideration, I haven't had this particular nightmare for a long time, probably not since I moved to Gatehouse. Apparently it signified something completely different than the fear of moving.

There are substantially fewer moving boxes and almost no furniture. I still think I have far too many possessions. I believe I will need another big declutter on arrival.

Like then, I am not moving into a permanent home. I don't know how long it will take before I have a place of my own. Now, as then, the old house hasn't been sold yet. But on the other hand, as then, I will have time to look around and find what I want. I will find something that is just Goldilocks.

It feels different because this is an ending rather than a beginning. Yes, it will be a beginning of a new phase in my life, but I have no idea what it might be like. I have never been retired before. I have never had all the time to myself. I think I will manage because I have many plans, and there will be urgent things to do right away.

Anyway, life has gone full circle, almost on the day. “I am sitting at the railway station, got a ticket for my destination… Homeward bound – I wish I was...”